Conflicting Emotions

I realize I haven't posted anything on any of my blogs in ages, mostly because I really had nothing to say. But lately, things have just been screwy and I don't know who to talk to. So I figure if I just vent and let out my feelings via writing, maybe these frustrations I have will go away on their own. Maybe.

So I was recently hired for a new job. Something I thought I wanted, something I thought I needed. I'm no longer working in retail, the reason I thought I was so incredibly miserable. But now that I've started my new job, I realized how very much I was not ready to move on from my store. I guess you never realize how good you have something until its taken away from you. I miss my work family and I miss my old job so much sometimes it actually tears my heart apart, as cheesy as it sounds. And to sound even more pathetic, I've been crying myself to sleep. I hate my new job, I mean absolutely loathe it. The people are nice enough, I guess. And the benefits are great, as well as the hours. However I really don't think I'm cut out for it. Its hard work, much harder than I anticipated. I feel like I can't do anything, whereas I used to know everything.

And I know, its just something new, something I need to get used to. My mom is the only person who knows how I'm kind of on the fence about this whole new job but even she doesn't know how much I'm truly hating this job. She just keeps telling me to hang in there, everything will just come together eventually. But I've been there for a month now and every day that passes, I just want to go back to my previous job. Nobody knows how completely miserable I am, even more so than before. Before I just thought I was miserable but now I know the truth. 

How can I tell my new employer that I want to quit when I just started? Its a relatively small company and they all seemed really excited when I was first hired because they're so incredibly understaffed and I was the extra help. But now I just feel like a hinderance since somebody always has to be shadowing me and they're still so short-handed that I just feel so overwhelmed. Everything is so crazy busy and I'm just not getting it. I can't do it, I really feel like I can't do it. And I hate feeling like a failure, I hate feeling like this. Like I said, my emotions are so conflicting right now and its driving me insane! 

But at the same time, how could I go graveling back to my old job? I left on very good standings, its not like I just stormed out of the building like, "HAHA! See you later suckers, I quit this hellhole!" No, I did everything very professionally. Handed in my two weeks notice, kept my new job information very minimal and even had my human resources rep tell me that I was always welcome back in the future if I ever needed seasonal work or something like that. Which is great, that I'm always welcome back of course. But how can I go back there after being gone for only a little over a month? Everybody will know how much of a failure I am; that I couldn't even stick it out for at least two months. And then when I go back, will I have to start all over? Will I go back to minimum wage or, even worse, go back to being a cashier? Back to closing all the time. Somebody already took over my job, its over. Completely over. I can never go back.

So now I'm stuck in a new kind of hell. Which makes me wonder if I should go back to school. Do something with my life. I was thinking of maybe becoming a dental assistant but I don't know. Here's another thing that I just don't know if I can do. Why is life just so freaking complicated sometimes? I swear, I feel like I can't do this sometimes. I don't know what I want, I really don't. 

Wow, talk about long posts. I know nobody really reads this but its still nice to vent a little, work out some of my frustrations so I can at least see them and try to work on them. Maybe its about time I took control of my own life. Maybe its time I suck it up and put on my brave face and use up all my confidence and go back to school. Or maybe I can go mope in the corner; I'm pretty good at that, I've been doing it my whole life. And I hate being that girl. Its time for a change and I really think I'm ready. 

Rainy Days...

I haven't posted anything in awhile. Mostly because I really have nothing to say, I guess. My life has been pretty ho-hum this last week. Work consumes my life, leading me to have no social life at all.

I did, however, last weekend learn how to make those sweet blankets where you knot two pieces of fleece together. So I got slightly addicted and already made three blankets that I really don't need. I swear, I am such a blanket addict. The foot of my bed has at least seven blankets piled up on top of it. But I made one for my mom and I'll give the other one to my sister for Christmas. I still want to make more though, its really fun!

Which also kind of leads me to wish that I were more crafty and creative. I just can't put things together on a whim and have it come out looking fantastic. I wish I could make my own jewelry and clothes and such. But at least now I can make my own blankets, hooray! 

On another note, I tried the hazelnut Land O'Lakes hot chocolate. And it was so incredibly delicious! Right up there with the mint and caramel flavors, I'd say. It was just...warm. I know what you're thinking, well duh! Hot chocolate IS warm. But I really don't know how else to describe other than warm. I just wish the weather outside was as warm instead of all these crappy rainy days...

Lazy Sunday Mornings

So I'm just lazying around right now, watching Super Nanny and waiting for me to get my lazy butt out of this chair so I can get started on the day. I actually had a whole weekend off from work for once, woohoo! So trust me, I am not complaining about having nothing to do. Its so nice to know I don't have to go in today. 

Anyways, I gotta get up, get dressed, and go for a nice long walk (since I was an awful pig last night and had some custard from Culver's). Then I gotta come back and help ice and decorate cookies for my sister's dance team dinner on Wednesday. Its her turn to host so I'm just trying to help out the best I can. We're making homemade mac 'n cheese for the dinner with salad and bread. And we made sugar cookies in the shape of pumpkins and pink ribbons for Breast Cancer Awareness month. So thats pretty much my agenda today; ice cookies! Hopefully my hopeless icing addiction won't get in the way too much. I love icing! 

So, moving on. I tried another Land O'Lakes hot chocolate. This time I tried Supreme. It was basically just regular hot cocoa. I guess it was a bit thicker and creamier than most regular hot chocolates. It was really delicious though! 

Fall Colors

On my walk last night, in chilly 30 degree weather, I noticed just how pretty it is in fall. I'm usually too busy moaning and groaning about the cold to really appreciate the beauty of fall. I grabbed my Nikon and decided to snap a few pictures and decided that it really is a beautiful and lovely time of year. 

Just a few of the shots I took! If it had been a sunny day with blue skies, I feel like they would have turned out even better. Maybe this weekend, if the weather cooperates I'll get some better shots.

And now another Land O'Lakes update! I tried the raspberry flavor the other day. It was...interesting. When I first opened the packet, the smell of raspberry was so overwhelming it was almost nauseating. But then I mixed it all together and by the time it was ready for me to drink, I couldn't taste the raspberry. It was so odd. For something to smell as strongly as it did, you would think I would be able to taste it as well. Oh well. It was alright but not at the top of my list! 

New Jobs

FRUSTRATED!

Yeah, thats me in a nutshell right now. I want out of my current job. I'm sick of it all. But without a college education and enough "experience", I'm not qualified for anything I apply for. And its so frustrating! How am I suppose to get experience if nobody will hire me first? 

And I know I should go back to school. But I did the college thing for a year and honestly, I hated it. Me and schooling really don't mix. And maybe it was just the school I was going to but I just have no desire to go back. None at all.

I know I would love to work an office environment, like a receptionist or just clerical work. I just applied to 5 more receptionist positions tonight. I know I would be great at the job, I have excellent customer service skills. But nobody wants to give me a shot. But at least I'm trying, thats all I can do. 

I do have an interview on Friday, however, for a teller position. I just really want to work at a Monday-Friday office environment but at least it would be a step in the right direction. Well I'll do the interview anyways and see what comes of it. I still hope I get the job at least!

Okay, enough of my rambling on for one night. I'm done complaining. For now anyways :)

Oh and an update on my Land O'Lakes hot chocolate: I tried caramel the other night and had french vanilla tonight. I have one word for the caramel flavor: Delicious! Wow it was so thick and creamy and just...so yummy! I think I might have a new favorite. But I did love the mint one too! Ahh such decisions. And the french vanilla was very good as well but I honestly couldn't taste the vanilla too much. It was good but definitely not my favorite! 

And one more thing! Apparently there are two more flavors of Land O'Lakes hot chocolate that I just found out about as well: Butterscotch and Hazelnut. Let me add them to my list now!

 

Weight Loss

Since I'm new to blogging here, I've recently just been surfing through different blogs, trying to find fun and different blogs to follow. I've found that I really enjoy reading the weight-loss blogs. Especially Jenn over at Ex Hot Girl. She is hilarious and really inspiring to everybody trying to lose weight. 

The one reason I'm also writing out this blog right now is because I also embarked on my own weight loss journey way back in January, as a part of my New Year's resolution. It took me 10 months to do it, but I finally managed to reach my goal weight. I lost 40 pounds and finally managed to lose the weight that has haunted me my entire life. I just wish I had thought about blogging my weight loss journey when I first started way back in January. I managed to lose the weight on my own but I know it would have been so much better if I had people to share this journey with. People who understood what I was going through and could inspire me with their journeys as well. 

However, I think I'll still post stories every now and then on how I maintain my weight and keep up my exercising program. I still love to follow other people's weight loss journeys because everybody out there still inspires me to keep going in maintaining my weight loss now. I never want to go back to being that person I was again. That part of my life is over and I couldn't be happier! 

And now, just because I feel like it, I'll share some of my before and after shots. And thank you, everybody out there in the blogosphere, for helping to be such an inspiration to everybody out there trying to go through their own weight loss journey. 

Before: This was taken November 2007 at my highest weight of about 180. (Ignore the Princess Aurora text, its a Disney World shot.)

Another before shot: This was taken January 2009 at 173 pounds, where I started my weight loss journey. This is where I started counting my weight. My goal was to lose 40 pounds.

 

 

After: This was taken June 2009, after I had lost about 30 pounds.

Another after shot: This is my most current shot. I just took it a couple of weeks ago when I finally hit my goal of losing 40 pounds! I now weigh 133. And it feels great!

   

 

 

Land O'Lakes Hot Chocolate

Okay, if anybody really read my blogs, then you know I have a recent fascination with Land O'Lakes hot chocolate and their delicious, unique flavors. It all started with Mint Chocolate hot cocoa (that honestly tasted like Christmas!) and then I discovered that they have so many other interesting flavors. I am determined to hunt down all of the flavors and try them.

Obsessive? Nah, I'd like to see myself more as passionate.

Anyways, last night I tried the cinnamon flavored hot chocolate. And once again, it was amazing! Hah, I actually think it tasted a little bit like Christmas again. It was just a delightful, warm cinnamon flavor and its so smooth and creamy. So yummy. My sister said it reminded her of when you eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch and then the warm milk is left in your bowl after you eat the cereal. Thats a good comparison but it tastes 10 times better than that even.

Next up, I'll be trying the caramel flavor! 

The first snowfall!

Today we had our first official snowfall! I don't know if I should be excited about this or not. I mean, I love the first snowfall and everything because it usually reminds me of Christmas and I love the holidays. But at the same time, I really hate being cold. I love summer and the hot, sweaty, humid days. (I thrive in muggy weather. Weird, I know.) But I still got really excited watching it snow! Even though I know I'll be sick of it in just a couple of months. Well actually, as soon as New Years is over, I'm ready for summer. So I figure I'll just enjoy the snow while I still find it cute. 

Soon It Will Be Christmas Day...

This morning I decided to brave the cold and rain and take my usual five-mile walk. Only when I got home and started to defrost did I realize just how frozen I really was. I should have known since they predicted snow flurries in the forecast. (Snow flurries! In October! Blah, I hate the cold.) But I love to walk outside so I did it anyways.

So once I got home, I knew I needed something nice and hot to drink to warm up. I was rummaging through the cupboards for some hot cocoa when I came across some mint chocolate hot cocoa that my sister must have bought last week. I was so excited to try it that I immediately whipped out my Disney World mug and created the most delicious hot chocolate I have had in a long time.

Seriously, this hot chocolate tasted like Christmas. There was no other way to describe it. All the minty, chocolately goodness was just such a spectacular combination! I highly recommend Land O'Lakes Chocolate Mint hot cocoa.

Okay, but thats still not the point of my story here. The point is, that after I drank this almighty Christmas concoction, I started to realize just how close Christmas really is (less than 3 months, ahhh scary thought!). But still, I am so excited for Christmas. Its one of my favorite seasons. I could do without the snow and cold but I love what Christmas stands for and how happy people usually are. Its just such a fun season! I'm so ready for it. Yay for the holiday season!

Oh, by the way, apparently Land O'Lakes makes all these super delicious hot chocolate flavors that they only sell in individual packs. I told my sister when she came home today that I drank her chocolate mint hot chocolate and she told me that it also comes in caramel, raspberry, french vanilla, supreme, cinnamon, mocha, Irish creme, and amaretto. I fully intend to try every single one of these flavors. 

Let's Make A Deal

So apparently since I can't sleep anymore (I swear, in the past on days I had off I would sleep well past 11; now I can't sleep past 8) I decided to just roll out of bed, have breakfast, and watch a little morning TV. And while I was flipping channels, guess what I came across? Thats right, the new version of 'Lets Make A Deal'! 

Now, I'm only 20 years old so I don't remember the original but I've seen enough clips of it and heard enough stories from my parents to know its strange/hilarious. And now I know. 

I'm sure this new one with Wayne Brady (who I absolutely adore, by the way) isn't quite up to the caliber of the original with Monty Hall. But so far, I'm finding it quite amusing. I've snorted out my milk a few times with laughter. People are insane, I've come to the conclusion, and will do anything for fabulous prizes. 

Interviews

Today I had an interview for a new job. Can I just say that I hate interviews? Blah. Ok, first of all I spent a half-hour before said interview nervously jiggling my leg and feeling like I was going to throw up. Why oh why did I have such a big lunch?

And then after my measly little half-hour first interview was over, I felt ravenous. Why is this? Why did I feel like I was going to empty my guts before the interview and immediately afterwards, I felt like I could eat an entire all-you-can-eat buffet by myself. Just nerves, I suppose. But still. I haven't done an interview like that in three years. I was so rusty but hopefully all went well and I get a call back! 

Introductions?

So. My first blog on this website. Not my first time blogging, mind you. But my first time doing it here. I haven't blogged in ages though. I forgot how much I used to like it. Its just a great way to let out my creative energy and pent up frustrations. Writing is a good outlet for that. 

I suppose I should introduce myself. Not that I'm expecting many people to really read this blog. I mean, if you want to, please feel free! I don't know how exciting reading about my life will be though. 

Anyways, back to introductions. My name is Amanda. I am 20 years old and should be a student in college. Too bad the first year I went to school, I absolutely hated it. I mean, hated it wasn't even the word. School just really is not for me. So until I find what I really want to do with my life, I'm working in a mediocre job (even though I'm currently job hunting for a better one) and just taking life one day at a time. 

So...what else? I'm probably the biggest Disney geek you will ever meet in your life. I love the movies, the characters, and especially Disney World. Its my second home, I don't think I can ever get enough of that place. You just have an opportunity to forget about the outside world and you have a chance to be a kid again. I know it sounds cliche, but Disney World really is the most magical place on earth. 

I also love Broadway, Harry Potter, reading, photography, and playing tennis. I love going on trips and just hanging out with my friends and family. I don't know what else to say here so I guess thats good enough for my lame introduction to myself. I promise my other posts will be better than this one but I needed to start somewhere. Hopefully I can keep up with my blogging this time around!