So I was recently hired for a new job. Something I thought I wanted, something I thought I needed. I'm no longer working in retail, the reason I thought I was so incredibly miserable. But now that I've started my new job, I realized how very much I was not ready to move on from my store. I guess you never realize how good you have something until its taken away from you. I miss my work family and I miss my old job so much sometimes it actually tears my heart apart, as cheesy as it sounds. And to sound even more pathetic, I've been crying myself to sleep. I hate my new job, I mean absolutely loathe it. The people are nice enough, I guess. And the benefits are great, as well as the hours. However I really don't think I'm cut out for it. Its hard work, much harder than I anticipated. I feel like I can't do anything, whereas I used to know everything.
And I know, its just something new, something I need to get used to. My mom is the only person who knows how I'm kind of on the fence about this whole new job but even she doesn't know how much I'm truly hating this job. She just keeps telling me to hang in there, everything will just come together eventually. But I've been there for a month now and every day that passes, I just want to go back to my previous job. Nobody knows how completely miserable I am, even more so than before. Before I just thought I was miserable but now I know the truth.
How can I tell my new employer that I want to quit when I just started? Its a relatively small company and they all seemed really excited when I was first hired because they're so incredibly understaffed and I was the extra help. But now I just feel like a hinderance since somebody always has to be shadowing me and they're still so short-handed that I just feel so overwhelmed. Everything is so crazy busy and I'm just not getting it. I can't do it, I really feel like I can't do it. And I hate feeling like a failure, I hate feeling like this. Like I said, my emotions are so conflicting right now and its driving me insane!
But at the same time, how could I go graveling back to my old job? I left on very good standings, its not like I just stormed out of the building like, "HAHA! See you later suckers, I quit this hellhole!" No, I did everything very professionally. Handed in my two weeks notice, kept my new job information very minimal and even had my human resources rep tell me that I was always welcome back in the future if I ever needed seasonal work or something like that. Which is great, that I'm always welcome back of course. But how can I go back there after being gone for only a little over a month? Everybody will know how much of a failure I am; that I couldn't even stick it out for at least two months. And then when I go back, will I have to start all over? Will I go back to minimum wage or, even worse, go back to being a cashier? Back to closing all the time. Somebody already took over my job, its over. Completely over. I can never go back.
So now I'm stuck in a new kind of hell. Which makes me wonder if I should go back to school. Do something with my life. I was thinking of maybe becoming a dental assistant but I don't know. Here's another thing that I just don't know if I can do. Why is life just so freaking complicated sometimes? I swear, I feel like I can't do this sometimes. I don't know what I want, I really don't.
Wow, talk about long posts. I know nobody really reads this but its still nice to vent a little, work out some of my frustrations so I can at least see them and try to work on them. Maybe its about time I took control of my own life. Maybe its time I suck it up and put on my brave face and use up all my confidence and go back to school. Or maybe I can go mope in the corner; I'm pretty good at that, I've been doing it my whole life. And I hate being that girl. Its time for a change and I really think I'm ready.
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